A Child's Book Report on The Bible

I have received this many times from different friends and I still get a kick out of it....children can make anything out of what they read.

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???Through the eyes of a child:
The Children's Bible in a NutshellIn the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God,darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but Ithink He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren'tembarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven fromthe Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, becausethey didn't have cars.Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, wholived to be like a million or something.One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one ofhis kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family andsome animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they saidthey would have to take a rain check.After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than hisbrother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for somepot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaohafter God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues includedfrogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them HisTop Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, orcovet your neighbor's stuff.Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother..One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to usespies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on thetown.After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with aslingshot.. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500porcupine S. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wiseto me.After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these wasJonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have toworry about them.After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of TheNew. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in abarn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were youborn in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Phariseesand the Democrats.Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named aterrible vegetable after him.Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to someGermans on the Mount.But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius thePilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went upto Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return isforetold in the book of Revolution..